I Choose the Order of Love

A basic principle in Family Patterns is that every family system wants to maintain order. This ensures the balanced flow of energy down through the generations. Part of maintaining order is giving each and every family member their proper place within the family system. If a family member is excluded for any reason this creates an energetic void that other members in the family will be compelled to fill. Remember, this is all done unconsciously, out of love for the family.

Just about everyone has excluded family members in their ancestral line. Excluded members are often:

  1. Any member who made a great sacrifice for the family. Examples include babies who were aborted, miscarried or died in infancy,  children who were given up for adoption because the parents could not afford to care for them, a son who doesn’t marry in order to care for an unwell sibling.
  2. A family member who was treated unfairly, examples are someone who was denied their inheritance, a child born out of wedlock and not acknowledge by its father, a daughter who is disowned because she marries out of her faith.
  3. Someone who had a difficult fate, including orphans, victims of violence, a tragic or early death
  4. Someone who left their place for someone else to fill, for example the eldest son dies, and the younger brother inherits in his place; there is a former spouse due to divorce or death and their partner remarries.

An excluded family member doesn’t have to be someone who broke the rules and was cast out in disgrace. Sometimes the pain of losing a loved one is so great that the surviving members can’t bear to face their grief and try to carry on as if nothing had happened. Not facing their loss can lead to the deceased relative being inadvertently excluded.

When there is an excluded family member, there is a void in the family system and other members feel compelled by the Family Conscience to take the excluded member’s place in an unconscious effort to fill that void. This is called identification. Identification generally develops in early childhood, but the consequences may not manifest until adulthood.

To learn how this pattern can play out in your life, join me for the  Discover Your Hidden Family Patterns teleclass. Be sure to scroll up to the top of this page and enter your info on the sidebar to the right so you get the call-in details.

Have a question you’d like me to answer during the class? Post it here in the comments below!

Elizabeth Tobin About Elizabeth Tobin


  1. Appreciate you sharing, great blog.Thanks Again. Cool.

Speak Your Mind


This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.